Become Highly Effective: Interdependence

What We’re Reading

By Stephanie Wharton

In this series on Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we have discussed the three habits that move people from being dependent to independent: be proactive, begin with the end in mind, and put first things first. By incorporating these habits, individuals can go from relying on others for everything, to people who can achieve goals through their own effort. The next four habits that will be discussed move people from being independent to interdependent.

First, Covey devotes an entire chapter to what he calls the “Paradigms of Interdependence” before he moves on to explaining more habits. He reminds us that in order to build successful relationships with other people, we must have mastered the first three habits and have the ability to govern ourselves through self-discipline. In this chapter, he provides a familiar metaphor for how relationships work, saying that each of us has an “emotional bank account,” which is essentially the level of trust established between two people. When we treat other people with kindness, respect, and dignity, we make deposits into their account. When we overreact, disregard, and break trust with others, we make withdrawals. The goal is to make a large reserve of trust to build rich relationships. He explains the following six ways to make major deposits:

Understand the individual. This is the key to the rest of the deposits. In order to actually make a deposit in another person’s account, you have to really know what matters to them. Covey says it this way, “What is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you.”
Attend to the little things. This is pretty straightforward: the little things become big things in relationships. Small acts of kindness make big deposits while little acts of disrespect make big withdrawals.
Keep commitments. People lose faith in us if we say we will do something and then don’t, plain and simple. Failing to keep commitments is possibly the most damaging withdrawal you can make in another person’s account.
Clarify expectations. “The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.” Isn’t this true? Disagreement usually occurs because one person thought one thing and another person thought differently, but simple misunderstandings can lead to major conflict. Take the time and effort to clarify expectations up front.
Show personal integrity. Covey distinguishes between honesty, which is telling the truth or “conforming our words to reality,” and integrity. Integrity is “conforming reality to our words” or keeping promises, fulfilling expectations, and remaining loyal. “When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present.”
Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies can only be made by people who are secure enough to not worry about what other people think. Covey says powerful deposits occur from these kind of sincere statements: “I was wrong,” “That was unkind of me,” “I showed you no respect,” “I gave you no dignity, and I’m deeply sorry.” He adds that while genuine apologies are deposits in another’s account, repeated apologies that the other person hears as insincere are withdrawals.

These six ways to make deposits positively influence relationship building, whether it’s with a friend, a spouse, a child, a coworker, or a customer. May we all begin treating other people with more kindness and respect, making daily deposits in others’ accounts!