Become Highly Effective: Habit 5

What We’re Reading

By Stephanie Wharton

Last month, we discussed the fourth habit in Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which is Think Win/Win. These last four habits are focused on building relationships and producing interdependence.

Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

This habit seems straightforward, but I found this chapter extremely insightful. The principles and techniques Covey presents here are valuable for us as humans, friends, spouses, moms, dads, business associates – everyone. Covey says this principle of seeking first to understand, then to be understood is “the single most important principle” he has learned in interpersonal relations. The reason? He writes, “Communication is the most important skill in life,” and he believes listening is the most important skill in communication.

Empathic Listening is the act of seeking first to understand, to actually see things from the other person’s perspective rather than your own. Instead of listening and thinking about your reply or what you want, you listen to understand the entire person, the meaning behind what’s being said.

Covey explains that most of us listen “autobiographically” by using one or more of the following responses:

Evaluate: we listen to see if we agree or disagree
Probe: we ask questions from our own frame of reference
Advise: we give counsel based on our own experience
Interpret: we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior

In order to listen empathically, we must set our desires aside and truly grasp what the other person is saying. To demonstrate this to others, Covey says the essential skill is to rephrase the content and reflect the feeling. When the person we are listening to gives a logical response, then we can ask questions and give counsel. As soon as the person responds with emotion, that’s when empathic listening is needed.

I’ll conclude with my favorite quote from this chapter, “The more deeply you understand people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.”